Riddikulus!
by pet-munchkin
Summary: Sanity? NOPE! - 12 lil vignettes that are totally ridiculous, very funny and have a touch of black humour. Featuring Tonks, her fave werewolf, an evil umbrella stand, Mrs. Black with minor problems, Sirius with MAJOR problems and a confused Snape! 3.Chap!
1. Chapter 1: Riddikulus!

**Pairing:** R/T (Surprise! Surprise! ;D)

**Rating:** Kplus

**Warnings:** Nothing... except for lots and lots of black humour, people! ('Cause... yeah, that's me! ;D)

**Length:** about 1,570 words (short 'n sweet...)

**Disclaimer:** _The Two Personalities Of Jord_ or _My Bad (Which Is Your Bad As Well)_ (And I just looove inventing funny plays!)

Short scenery description: **Me** and **Alter Ego** are standing in front of JKR's house. Waiting... waiting... waiting...

Me (determinedly): I'll get it.

Alter Ego (scowling at Me): No,_ I_'ll do it.

Me (shaking head, slapping Alter Ego): **No**, _you_ wait here until she comes out, then you threaten her with the wand and I'll jump up from behind, grab the rights of HP out of her hand - and it'll be ours forever!

Alter Ego (eyes glowing greedily in anticipation): Oh yessssss... my precccccioussssss...

Me (slapping Alter Ego): Wrong fandom, idiot!

Alter Ego (rubbing head, a bit grumpily): Yes, sure, sorry.

Me (attention on house again): So...

Alter Ego (starting to tap lightly with foot): So...

Me (frowning, tilting head): When's she coming out?

And they stood there... and waited... and waited... and waited... until they realised that **Alter Ego** apparently had got the wrong address leading them to stand in front of the house of "Joanne K. Rollings". Needless to say that **ME** wasn't that happy about it... -.- (means this is the last ever play that **Alter Ego** will have starred in for death does somewhat prevent future appearances... agree with **Me**?)

Oh, plus I used titles of songs for the different headings (although they have nothing to do with the ficlets themselves). Just wanted to say that they belong to their respective owners.

**Summary:** RIDDIKULUS! ... Merlin, where did the sanity go? - Just three little vignettes of mine that are totally ridiculous, very funny... and do have a touch of black humour as well. Featuring Tonks, her most favourite werewolf (Remus, duh!), an evil umbrella stand and a Sirius who doesn't appear to be in his best form... (NOW WITH 3. CHAPTER!! ;D That makes TWELVE hilarious vignettes!)

**Beta:** Nope! (simple as that)

**Author's Notes:** I know, I know, I should be so working on updates for my chaptered fics now and I really am, it's just that I needed to write this, it wouldn't leave me alone! And really, it didn't take that long, plus it's quite funny which is always a good thing, huh? And now for the obvious: Have... nah, nah? FUN reading... ;D

OoOoOoOoO

**Riddikulus!**

1. The Kill

The full moon stood high above Number 12, Grimmauld Place. Everyone was fast asleep but for two – one werewolf and one quite determined Auror.

Tonks sat across from the snarling beast facing her. Her heart rate was at its peak, her breathing anything but steady. She inhaled deeply to calm herself down – and smelled the wolf's ragged dirty breath not a mere meter from her. She threw it a fierce glare as the full moon's prisoner began baring its sharp teeth at her.

"Do it!" she commanded loudly, just a faint trace of fear in her otherwise firm voice. "I know you want to. I would do the same if I were in your position."

The wolf made a step towards her but she didn't back away. Moody had always told her she had guts and now was the time to prove him right. No, she would _not_ surrender. She would go down in honour…

"What are you waiting for?"

The wolf let out a deep haunting growl that made the hair on her neck stand up in fear.

"I'm DONE, Remus!" she yelled at him desperately, a stinging pain behind her eyes now. "I can't move! You got me! So do it for heaven's sake!"

The wolf stepped forwards again and she knew this would be the last breath she'd get to catch in her heaving chest. Doom was nigh and her heart was protesting against her ribcage, demanding her to run away, even if it meant surrender.

But she didn't.

She couldn't.

She needed to stand up for herself, defend herself. She was an Auror after all. Though… in fact… there was nothing she could do anymore…

Tonks looked down for a second with tears in her eyes, her fists clenched so firmly that she felt the piecing pain as her fingernails dug into her skin. When she saw the wolf lower its head, she almost couldn't stand to watch.

But she did.

She had to.

Slowly, achingly slowly, the wolf's nose drew closer, sniffing for a moment. She closed her eyes briefly, just wishing it would be over already. Another moment passed – and the wolf had moved the pawn with his nose in front of her king. Tonks looked up again, unable to hold back the tears anymore.

"Check mate" she choked in a whisper, the wolf nodding its approval.

Remus had won yet again.

* * *

2. Devil In A Midnight Mass

It was midnight and Remus was trotting down the stairs, passing the narrow entrance corridor in an attempt to get into the kitchen and make himself some tea. However, upon seeing a very familiar petite figure on the floor, he stopped dead in his tracks. He turned slightly and frowned at the young Auror, sitting legs crossed just opposite her archenemy – the infamous troll leg umbrella stand – and staring at it without even so much as blinking.

"Tonks" Remus asked tentatively, not wanting to startle the delicate woman since she seemed so very lost in her… watching.

She didn't even stir.

Let alone answer.

Remus looked around him frantically, wondering if he should go search Molly or somebody else. But eventually, he decided that he would have to be the one to take care of the situation.

He sighed.

Slowly, step by step, he made his way towards the girl. When he had reached her, he sat down beside her mirroring her position. She was looking straight forward at the umbrella stand, not one single movement of her body visible. He wondered for a moment if she might have been hit by a _Petrificus Totalus_.

"Erm… Tonks?" he tried again, but immediately he was chided with a hushed but firm "Shush!" by her. He looked at the female Auror, confused for a second. A minute passed by and he hoped he'd be allowed to say something now.

"Tonks" he whispered very quietly as to not give her another reason to shush him. "Might I ask what you are doing here?"

She didn't look at him or even turn an inch away from her apparent position, but she did indeed answer this time.

"Watching" she said very fast and very simply. Remus raised an eyebrow inquisitively and locked his eyes for a second on the unmoving, quite dull troll leg umbrella stand in front of them before he turned his attention back to her. He was just about to ask what _exactly_ she was watching out for when she threw him yet another single word:

"Waiting."

He nodded slightly, slowly, then frowned at her.

"And… what are we waiting for?"

"For that bloody soddin' beast to move and show its true self."

Remus nodded again, apprehensively this time and shifted his gaze to the unmoving opponent of the witch sitting next to him. The troll leg umbrella stand seemed to have no intention to fall out of its lethargy any time soon. Remus started lightly tapping with his fingers on the ground in anticipation and probably a tad bit boredom as well.

"True self?" he whispered dramatically after a little while, slightly leaning in to Tonks.

"Uh-huh" she answered absent-mindedly, her steady eyes never leaving the archenemy in front of her. "I swear it has it in for me" she added through gritted teeth and as Remus once again turned to her he could see that she had narrowed her eyes by now, a muscle right below her left eye twitching every three or four seconds. He stopped tapping with his fingers and regarded the brave Auror for a moment.

"Tonks…" he called her in a whisper.

No answer.

"Nymphadora…" he said again, his eyebrows inching up in question as to what he knew she was going to tell him now.

But still – no answer.

"Dora, darling" he said and a smile formed on his lips "I love you."

Now that got him a reaction. The girl he was facing whirled her head around immediately, so fast he was thinking she might break it. She stared at him wide-eyed, stunned, seemingly unable to reply. He was still smiling at her and wondering by now if she would mind him leaning in and brushing his lips over her soft, luscious ones. He didn't think so…

Unfortunately, since neither of them was paying attention anymore, this was the very moment in which the infamous troll leg umbrella stand chose to come alive – and viciously attacked his two victims.

* * *

3. The Joker

Tonks was looking for Remus and, having gone through almost every room at the first two floors already, she had decided she might take a look at the kitchen and see if the man could be found there. She grabbed the door handle and tried to open the large wooden chunk of creaking mass – when she felt that something was blocking it.

She frowned.

What the-?

And then moaned.

Oh great!

Was Remus teasing her again? Fine, if so, she was totally up to it!

She braced her every ounce of herself against the door, her fingernails almost digging into the wood and with all her might she slowly, gradually forced it open. Panting slightly she stepped through the frame – where her eyes fell upon a large body lying on the floor which had apparently prevented her from opening the door in the first place.

Odd.

Another glance around the room told her that Remus was sitting at the kitchen table, the sports section of the newspaper covering his face, though she knew it was him since nobody else would be drinking hot chocolate at a late hour like this. She frowned at the scenery for a moment, then shifted her gaze once more to the limb body at her feet and – let out a piecing screech.

"Merlin, Remus, is THAT Sirius?"

The man at the table came into vision as he calmly put down the newspaper and smiled serenely at her, taking a sip of his hot chocolate before answering.

"I believe so."

Tonks looked at Remus wide-eyed, then back at her cousin's unmoving form lying on the floor, face-down, still, pale...

She poked him with one foot.

He didn't even stir.

Her head snapped up again immediately and before she could restrain herself she was yelling:

"OH MY GOD, is he DEAD?"

Remus' eyebrows shot up and he seemed slightly surprised at her question.

"Oh, I very well hope so!"

"WHAT?" she shot back at him, now on the verge of panicking both at her cousin's seeming death and Remus' apparent delight given the fact. "WHAT did you do with him?"

The man at the table shot her a deeply hurt look at her question.

"What did _I_ do with him? Merlin, Tonks, I would've thought _you_ to be the _last_ person to make assumptions without knowing the whole story. Do you really think I would've ever wasted a single spell on him if he hadn't deserved it?"

Tonks looked at Remus, wide-eyed.

She contemplated for a moment.

Then nodded.

She couldn't deny the fact that her cousin was some sort of mischief maker and therefore often earned himself one or two hexes casted at his sorry arse. Though… she would've never thought Remus, of ALL people, to be the one to actually _kill_ him. The dead man must've done something incredibly horrible to end up like this. She gave Remus a questioning look and he went on, very seriously:

"He ate my chocolate."

Tonks eyebrows darted upwards, far FAR under her fringe.

"He _ate_ your chocolate?"

Remus nodded, a dark glimmer in his eyes now more than evident. She dropped her shoulders in disbelief before her eyes locked once more onto the seemingly asleep form of what had once been the lively Sirius Black. She shook her head slightly at him.

"Git."

OoOoOoOoO

Okay, fun aside... (now very serious) **Did you like it**? You see, there's this neat little button at the left corner of this site and - OH! You can SO click on it! See what happenes? Funny, huh? You can even write something in that new little window! Merlin, a miracle of technology, isn't it, people? ;D (No really, _please_ give me a review, I totally beg you!!)

Anyway... This was totally FUN writing, really. And fun inventing as well. So, in the light of things, I'd just like to comment on the little vignettes, starting with... the first one? Good choice!

So _The Kill_ (title from a **30 Seconds to Mars** song which I love!) is actually my very favourite out of all - and the first I invented. I always wondered what the Marauders did in their years at Hogwarts at full moon, wandering the grounds and doing their mischief. And then I got this idea stuck in my head that they would do quite ordinary (as much ordinary as possible in the wizarding world) things. I don't really know where it came from, but since everybody's so into chess in HP, I came up with this scenery in which Tonks and Remus (in his werewolf form, of course) start playing chess - I just couldn't come out of the laughing fit! My original idea was something in the line of Tonks just staring at the wolf, the wolf staring back, Tonks shifting her gaze down to the chess board, then up again and she would say something like: "Your turn." Quite hilarious, but still I decided to play the game just a bit further than that... ;D

_Devil In A Midnight Mass_ (song by none other than the rockin' band **Billy Talent**) - Well, that was quite funny to invent as well (which they were all, actually). I originally had Remus say: "Tonks, marry me!" but I thought since it wasn't that evident if they were together already or not, I'd better go with "Love you" instead of that. (Not that Tonks wouldn't have wanted to hear his offer... well, who ever _wouldn't_ considering it's REMUS who's asking the question? ;D)

Moving on to the last one, _The Joker_ (song by **Fatboy Slim** if I remember rightly) was... a total other concept once. More or less. It had the title _Spoiler_ before and would've been significantly longer if I had stuck to my original idea. It would've featured a dead Sirius still (and yes, Remus also would've killed him still because he ate his chocolate) but there would've been a bit... more funny conversation. (And probably, Sirius might've been revived later or he only pretended to be dead - with him you never know). I'd certainly like to get back to my original idea one day, let's see... Er, speaking of which...

How about if I think up some other ridiculous situations? I can't promise anything, but it was quite fun to write (and I hope you had fun reading as well) and I just thought if reviewers show interest, I might be inclined to invent some more, make some sort of series of hilarious vignettes out of this! (That would include you reviewing, of course, and telling me to do so!)

Well, _Riddikulus!_ to all of you then; bye bye und tschüß


	2. Chapter 2: Can it get more ridiculous?

**Length:** about 1,860 words (took me so long and it's still not much...)

**Disclaimer:** _Sirius Matters_ (Yeah! A Play!)

Short scenery description: **Me**, **Second Ego** (since Alter Ego died in the last chappie) and **JKR** sit at Fortescue's, discussing world-shattering matters...

Me: Seriously?

JKR (calm): Seriously.

Second Ego: Seriously?

JKR (bit annoyed): Seriously!

Me: Seriously?

JKR (utterly annoyed): Yes, I SERIOUSLY didn't mean for all these SIRUS-SERIOUS puns to come up!

Me (biting lip): Oh, okay. So... about these rights of HP?

JKR (fuming now): LEAVE IT already, will you? NEVER gonna get 'em, girl!

Me: ...

Second Ego: ...

Me: Seriously?

_- The End -_

Gosh, I love Sirius-serious puns! ;D

Like in the previous chappie, I used song titles as headings, so those belong to their respective owners of course.

**Dedication:** First of all, this goes to **EllaQueenB**, many PECKZ 'N EMBRAZES for you and I really hope you'll like it! ;D

But of course I won't forget all the others who reviewed or faved or even put this on Story Alert. So **SammXilXquinto**, **kk1189**, **Silvergal**, **Pyric**, **The Savior of the Broken**,** Flo M Nimo**, **Emmetluver** and **LittleLonnie** - THANKS A LOT!!

HERE'S TO YOU GUYS! (Am I indulging in plagiarism with this again? -.-)

**Author's Notes:** Well, well... work is sorta stagnating lately. My finals are coming and I have so much to learn! But anyway, had to finish this since a little deal was involved (-wink- Ella). Plus it was fun to write of course! ;D As always, have fun reading then...

OoOoOoOoO

**Riddikulus! - Chapter 2: Can it get more ridiculous?**

4. The Joker – Part 2: The Chronicles Of Life And Death

**Previously:**

"_He _ate_ your chocolate?"_

_Remus nodded, a dark glimmer in his eyes now evident. She dropped her shoulders in disbelief before her eyes locked once more onto the seemingly asleep form of what had once been the lively Sirius Black. She shook her head slightly at him._

"_Git."_

--

Tonks stared. She still couldn't believe it. Her only cousin, a chocolate-stealing criminal. Well... he certainly had deserved his fate then.

She kneeled down before Sirius' body and tilted her head to one side as she eyed him closely. He lay there, all pathetically looking, so still and unmoving, showing no reaction at all when she poked his rips, twice. She brought a hand to his cheek and, cupping it, slightly turned his face to hers. He was immeasurably pale, his mouth stood slightly open and his eyes were closed. Merlin, if she hadn't known better, she would've thought he was just peacefully sleeping. She really had to admit that Remus had done a magnificent job on him.

And yet…

"He can't be dead" she declared determinedly, shaking her head in addition to make her point clear. As she looked up, she saw that Remus was once again folding down the newspaper behind which he had disappeared after having successfully convinced her that he hadn't done anything wrong with his best friend. The man seemed slightly confused and raised an eyebrow at her, looking at Sirius' limb body for a second, then back at her.

"Really?" he asked with an incredulous tone that she thought might have been tinged with a bit of sarcasm as well. "Because I could swear he's been lying there for almost half an hour now."

Tonks scowled at the man whose mouth curved upwards in a rather devilish smile before he added:

"And believe me when I say he's dead since otherwise you would surely find him grunting in his sleep, or snoring for that matter."

She rolled her eyes at these words even if she knew that there was no point in contradicting them. Remus was right after all. Sirius did snore incredibly loud. Or was it _had_ snored?

"Still" she told him, wanting to get back to her point. "He cannot be dead, not really. Remember the scripts JKR send us? He's supposed to be killed by Bellatrix, not you!"

_That should do_, she thought as she threw the man at the table a triumphant smile. He stared at her, realisation slowly sinking in while his other eyebrow shot up, too, and joined the other one.

"Oh" he exclaimed, quite simply, and started fingering his chin with a pensive frown on his forehead before adding in a whisper, more to himself than her, "Now that does rather put another complexion on things then..."

It was Tonks' time to frown now.

"Why?"

"You see, I _did_ kill him, without question I did" Remus answered thoughtfully, his eyes wandering from Sirius' limb form to Tonks kneeling next to him. "Therefore I can assure you that he _is_, in fact, dead. And that means Joanne will simply have to rewrite her novel then, won't she?"

Tonks jaw dropped. She couldn't believe what she had just heard.

"REWRITE?" she exclaimed heatedly "Merlin, Remus, the book has already been published! Do you have any idea what scandal this could cause among fans? And besides, Sirius just can't be dead unless-"

She stopped dead in midsentence. As her eyes darted back to her cousin's still unmoving form lying in front of her, she drew in the sharpest breath – and jerked away with a shriek. She crawled backwards hastily, with frantic movements, until she was pressed against the cold stone wall, an expression of utmost fear on her face.

Oh Merlin!

A prospect far worse than JKR having to rewrite a whole novel and displeasing her fans in the process had suddenly jumped into her mind and a crushing feeling of anxiety slowly made its way into the pit of her stomach. Out of the corners of her eyes she saw that Remus had abandoned his chair and was walking over to her.

"Tonks?" he asked, almost tentatively, crouching down beside her. She turned to face him and locked eyes with his, throwing him a desperate look as she suddenly grabbed his robes, pulled him down to her level and whispered in a dramatic voice:

"Oh god, Remus, what if he is _un_dead now?"

The man simply stared at her for what seemed like ages, comprehension slowly settling on his face as he seemed to understand what she meant. His mouth fell open and she expected an answer yet nothing came. It seemed for a moment that he was simply too stunned to say anything at all but a second later his eyes snapped up, widened, surprise and fear flickering over them at the same time. Tonks watched anxiously as a look of utmost horror dawned on the whole of Remus' face. There was something behind her...

Her breath hitched, her heartbeat accelerated achingly and slowly she turned around to see the limb body of her supposed-to-be dead cousin stir and then lift itself up from the ground to stand up and straighten to its full height.

GOOD HEAVENS!

Zombie Sirius pushed some strands of black hair out of his face and then went to look at the two people in front of him, cowered together on the floor, their faces white with fear, their pupils dilated to the most. He narrowed his eyes at them, his mouth curving up in a nasty grin.

"Hm…" he whispered in a deep haunting voice and a chuckle left his lips. "Fresh meat."

* * *

5. Come Out And Play

CRASH!!

Silence.

An umbrella stand lay abandoned on the floor, loud echoes slowly subsided, curtains flew open almost at once.

Yet-

Unexpected silence.

Mrs. Black stopped dead in her tracks, her mouth halfway between open and closed. She looked at her opponents, a crinkle on her forehead.

The opponents smiled back.

"What do you two want?" she snarled, her voice vibrating with disgust.

No answer.

Instead, the man in patched robes raised a curious eyebrow. The pink-haired girl at his side bit her lip against laughter.

Mrs. Black narrowed her eyes dangerously.

"What's that you're hiding there?"

Silence once more.

The opponents grinned at each other briefly.

It was a second before they each drew a weird-looking gun from behind their backs.

Mrs. Black gaped at them, her eyes widening.

"What the-?"

But she didn't have time to finish her sentence.

Instantly, the opponents had launched themselves forwards at her portrait, one single triumphant yell in unison on their lips:

"PAINTBALL TIME!"

* * *

6. Who knew?

"Remus! There you are!"

Tonks jumped down the stairs of Number 12, Grimmauld Place and walked up to the man she had just addressed. He was standing outside in the cold, freezing winter night wearing nothing more than a thin jumper and jeans and she wondered for a second if she should bring him his robe or anything to keep him warm. But as it was, he didn't even seem to notice. She tilted her head to one side, scrutinising him for a second.

"You know, I've been looking for you _everywhere_. What are you doing here?"

She had _expected_ some sort of answer from him but nothing came, not at all. Instead, he was just looking utterly mesmerised up at the sky without so much as blinking, his hands in his pockets and a somewhat serene smile on his face. It was quite strange, really.

"Remus?" she asked tentatively, eyeing the man with uncertainty, not sure if he was aware that she was there, too. She neither wanted to startle him to death. "Rem-"

"It's quite mystifying, isn't it?" he whispered all of a sudden, his voice so quiet that it was barely a whisper at all. She frowned at his words.

"Huh?"

"The moon, Nymphadora" Remus chuckled, meeting her eyes briefly before he continued staring up ahead. "I don't exactly know the reason why but…" he sighed "Sometimes I feel it as if it would hold a certain power over me."

Tonks stared at him.

Then her eyebrows shot together.

Was he joking?

He was joking, right?

Should she as well?

"Oh" she exclaimed in mock-surprise "Now that has me worrying. With you being a werewolf and all – Who would've thought?"

She had no luck whatsoever in biting her lip against a laugh. But then she wondered if Remus thought it as funny as she did and turned to him, a huge smile on her face to prove that she was just joking like he had – only to have it falter completely the next second when she saw the expression on his face. Oh no, he wasn't cross or anything…

Merlin, he looked absolutely horror-struck!

How-?

"I AM A _WHAT_?"

Remus' shrill scream echoed through the night, leaving dead silence in its wake. His voice had been utterly loud, immeasurably hoarse and so full of panic that it had made Tonks jump back in fear. She felt as if she had been slapped across the face and needed a moment to fully comprehend what he had asked her but then looked at him, wide-eyed, realisation very slowly sinking in.

"Remus, are you telling me you didn't KNOW?"

"Wha-? Of course I didn't know! How am I supposed to _know_?"

Tonks gaped at the man, staring at him in disbelief. _No way_, she thought. How on bloody earth could he have _missed_?

"Well, those scratches, the dead mice, the occasional waking up _naked_ somewhere in a forest! Didn't you ever WONDER?"

MERLIN, HOW ON BLOODY EARTH COULD HE HAVE _MISSED_?

Remus ran a hand absent-mindedly through his hair then, looking absolutely distraught in the process. He drew in several sharp breaths before he began pacing up and down the street.

"I…" he shook his head slightly "Sirius always used to tell me the scratches were from cats that brought dead mice and ripped off my clothes" he whispered quietly, more to himself than her, and frowned as he continued. "Actually I never really remember things anyway around full moon since he's always filling me up with Firewhiskey at the time."

Tonks jaw dropped.

_WHAT?_

"HE TOLD YOU _WHAT_?"

"Merlin, why did I never question his actions?"

"AND HE DOES _WHAT_?"

"But it all sounded so plausible when he said it."

"REMUS!"

Tonks darted forwards and caught the man around his arms to shake him out of his stupor. They looked at each other, gaped at each other for a moment and all of a sudden _understood_. Everything. Especially whose fault this was...

At that moment precisely, the door of Number 12, Grimmauld Place flew open and a handsome man with black hair and a huge grin on his face stepped out. Both Remus and Tonks winced slightly at the unexpected noise and turned around immediately to look at the apparent intruder, only to have their eyes narrow at him.

"There you are, you two" Sirius exclaimed a little surprised, walking down the steps as he talked. "Merlin, was looking for you almost everywhere in the house. Thought you had taken off or something; left me here all alone. Anyway, I think Molly's done with dinner preparations so-"

He stopped short, a deep frown on his face. It seemed to confuse him that both his best friend and his little cousin were throwing him the deadliest looks he had ever seen, so full of anger and resentment that even a Death Eater might have been running away from them. Sirius took the last step of the stairs very slowly, a flicker of anxiousness passing his face.

"Erm… guys?"

His last words echoed through the night, lost to silence just a second later.

After that, Sirius Black was no more.

OoOoOoOoO

-sheds a tear- R.I.P. SIRIUS

Anyway: "Er... reviews?" - My last words echo through the fanfiction archive. After that, my sanity is no more... ;D No really, please just give me a lil review, tell me what you think, maybe some constructive criticism or something in that line? ... Hm? Oh! My dried up cactus Hugo tells me that I should offer a bribe! Wait a sec: How about taking care of your very own Zombie Sirius? ;D (I swear he won't eat you, maybe just nibble a bit...)

Speaking of which, let me tell you one or two things about the vignettes again.

First of all: _The Joker - Part 2: The Chronicles Of Live And Death_ (rockin' song by **Good Charlotte**) - And didn't I tell you he'd come back? But OMG, he's a ZOMBIE!! Believe me, I didn't know either, I was totally oblivious to the fact until I proof-read what I wrote! But talking about proof-reading, I think I changed this story almost a thousand times and once again, it was a whole other concept originally. So now I have no idea where this is leading... Will Zombie Sirius take revenge? Will Tonks be able to save Remus from it? Hm... let me think something up there! ;D (Besides, originally it had the title "Zombie" from The Cranberries' song but since I thought it might probably give away the ending, I went with the other title instead.)

Moving on, _Come Out And Play_ (song by **The Offspring**, love it!) was kind of a challenge as well. It had much more words when I first wrote it but then I didn't really like it that way and eventually decided that it would work a lot better with less words, more action. But really, Mrs. Black SO deserved to get paintballed! ;D Although I somehow have the impression that it would be more a Tonks/Sirius thing to do, but since this is supposed to be R/T... well, Remus still is a Marauder, isn't he? I bet he came up with the idea! Wanted to take revenge for his best friend! Oh, on the subject of revenge...

_Who knew?_ (wonderful song by none other than **P!nk**) - What is it with me and killing Sirius all the time? I swear it's JKR's fault though, she totally damaged me for life with that fifth and seventh book of hers. Anyway, living in LOD (Land of Denial) now, so everything's okay and I'm totally happy! ;D But getting back to the fic: I so canNOT believe that Remus didn't KNOW!! And then these hilarious explanations that Sirius gave him... -shakes head- Really, why did he never question anything? Why did he just believe Sirius? ... Anyway, I was gonna come up with an explanation why Remus didn't know. The story is set around winter so when they went to St. Mungo's hospital to visit Arthur, Remus met good old Mr. Lockard - and accidentally got shot by one of his _Obliviate_ spells! Hmm... doesn't explain Sirius' actions though... BUT, it's a hilarious fic anyway, isn't it? So why do I even try and explain it? -.-

Well then, hope you had fun reading. I'm not sure if it was as good as the first one since I hadn't exactly planned for a second chapter. But somewhere in the back of my mind I still have some other ideas... Hm, why not try them out? ;) (Would you like me to?)

Last but not least: Once again much luv to **EllaQueenB**, I fulfilled my part of the deal now! YEAH! ;D So that means it's your turn again, right? (People, watch out for her next fics/chappies, including an R/T kitchen One-Shot that's soon to come! Am very excited!)

So let's all go have a funny game of paintball then (always wanted to try that one out!); bye bye und tschüß


	3. Chapter 3: How about being ridiculous?

**Length:** about 2,300 words (And how is it that it gets longer with every new chap?)

**Disclaimer Play:** _Grave Confusion_

Short scenery description: **Me**,** JKR** and **Second Ego** stand in front of **Alter Ego**'s grave. It's a sad, sad day...

Me (sobs into a hankie): He was... great, you know.

JKR (nods sadly): Yes, he was a wonderful Ego.

Me (chokes): And I really did love him so much.

Second Ego (smiling): Sure, no questioning that.

Me (turning to JKR): I mean, did I have another choice? We could've had the rights of HP from you if he hadn't messed up the addresses. Really, JK _Rollings_? He should've known better...

Second Ego (patting on shoulder): It's okay. Don't blame yourself.

JKR (smiling understandably): Precisely. It's not your fault. He really should've known- (frowns suddenly) Wait... he was a _HE_?

_- To Be Continued -_

OH! Now that's a revelation, my Alter Ego was male, who would've thought? ;D

Well, all the gender confusion aside, the song titles that I used for my headings, as always, belong to their respective owners. (Makes me wonder though what gender Second Ego is... hm, maybe that'll be explained in the next chap?)

**Dedictation:** My cactus Hugo is going wild at all the wickedly wonderful reviews you guys provide me with. ;) Thus, this goes to all those people out there who either reviewed, faved or put this on Story Alert (or all three together), including: **SammXilXquinto**, **kk1189**, **Silvergal**, **Pyric**, **The Savior of the Broken**,** Flo M Nimo**, **Emmetluver, LittleLonnie, EllaQueenB, ****southernbelle08**, **Mistymist**, **Bookish Brownie** and **Veghindu101**!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!! ;D

Oh, and now imagine me poking with a stick at all the others who maybe just enjoy reading this (thanks a lot) but don't review: How about making a fanfiction writer happy? (Takes only a second. And I love to learn from criticism, plus I promise to reply. What more can you want?)

**Author's Notes:** Merlin, it has been a while now, hasn't it? This took me so long again... well no, actually, I was procrastinating writing (all of it) lately, because I thought it better to learn for my finals. Hm... don't know if it works out that way. (We'll see next week.) And I swear I'm going mad at not updating my chaptered fics, I feel like the most inconsistent fanfiction writer out there! Anyway, here comes the _funny'z_ again, I am not too happy yet and maybe I'll change one or two things later on. But for now, I dearly wish you fun reading...

OoOoOoOoO

**Riddikulus! - Chapter 3: How about being... ridiculous?**

7. The Joker – Part 3: _Sirius_ B. Good

**Previously:**

_GOOD HEAVENS!_

_Zombie Sirius pushed some strands of black hair out of his face and then went to look at the two people in front of him, cowered together on the floor, their faces white with fear, their pupils dilated to the most. He narrowed his eyes at them, his mouth curving up in a nasty grin._

"_Hm…" he whispered in a deep haunting voice and a chuckle left his lips. "Fresh meat."_

--

Silence.

Just utter silence.

...

And then, suddenly-

Tonks screeched.

Remus fainted.

Sirius laughed:

"KIDDING!"

* * *

8. Waterfalls

The moment Tonks walked into the kitchen of Number 12, Grimmauld Place, she knew that something wasn't right. No, on the contrary, she knew that something was very, _very_ wrong. She could just tell as much from the fact that she had walked in, seen Remus standing right in front of her, eyeing her curiously, and the next moment a loud splash and an ice-cold shiver had run down her spine and – she'd been wet. From head to toe. Utterly, completely wet.

Tonks stood at the entrance, still holding the door handle in a firm grip, as she looked down at herself and saw her clothes dripping from water, felt the thousands of little drops in her hair, running over her face that probably looked as if she had just come out of a swimming pool. Another look, this time upwards, showed her Sirius standing on a ladder to her left, an empty bucket in his hands. She gaped at him.

"Excuse me?" she said in an utterly stunned voice, unable to decide whether to be angry or surprised at the moment. "What was that for?"

Sirius didn't answer. He just drew back the bucket and climbed down the stairs, then walked around her in a slow half circle, scrutinising her closely, until he stood on her right and said: "Don't you feel like… _melting_?"

"Excuse me?!" Tonks exclaimed in a screech, wondering if her voice was loud enough now to wake up Mrs. Black from her deep slumber. Well, not that she cared that much at the moment. She turned to the other man in front of her who was still eyeing her in strange curious fashion up and down, rubbing his chin in deep thought. "Remus, could you please explain-"

"Told you it wouldn't work, Pads" he cut across her, looking at Sirius. "Though it was worth a try, I must admit."

Tonks' mouth fell open as she stared at him, incapable of believing or even comprehending what was going on.

"Damn, but I was so sure it'd work" Sirius said in a somewhat disappointed voice and looked as if he was about to pout any second.

"Hm, I was rather sceptical from the beginning. The way he described it, it just wasn't…" Remus trailed off, shrugging. "Do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah" Sirius replied, sighing. "Yeah, I understand, it's just-"

"EXCUSE ME?" Tonks drew all the attention back on her as she let out a desperate scream. "WHAT the bloody HELL is _wrong _with you people?"

Both Sirius and Remus seemed quite surprised at her sudden outbreak. Tonks gave them both a scowl and Sirius took a few steps backwards, an anxious flicker on his face.

"Don't tell me you never _wondered_?" asked Remus, his tone incredulous and unbelieving.

"Wondered about what?"

He raised a curious eyebrow at her for a second before he walked over to the kitchen table and picked up a book that Tonks hadn't noticed had lain there all the time, being too busy with her desperate attempts at understanding why, at six in the morning, her cousin would empty a bucket of water right above her. As Remus came back to her with the book, he held it out in front of her so she could read the title. It was a copy of "The Wizard of Oz". Tonks stared at it, then shot Remus a deep frown. However, it was Sirius who answered her silent question as he darted forwards excitedly.

"You know, it says in there that female witches are supposed to melt when you empty a bucket of water on them" he said with quite a lot of enthusiasm in his voice which vanished instantly when he saw Tonks' deadly look directed at him. He bit his lip and added: "Sorry. Apparently didn't work."

* * *

9. The Kill – Part 2: Killing Me Softly

Death.

Tonks' heart stopped.

Stopped right in that one moment, the very moment she got hit – and died.

She was… dead. Just dead. Nothing more.

Well…

Honestly speaking, it came rather unexpected. And, if she considered it now, she hadn't believed either that the battle would be over _that_ soon as well. At least not for her… She wondered idly how she had managed to lose at all when she had been fighting so hard, but it was all rather blurry when she tried to remember the fight. Ragged breath, open wounds, blood dripping from her body, heart beating fast and unsteady in her heaving chest, fingers so sweaty that she had had to tighten her grip even more to be able to perform her magic.

Yet she had.

Yet she had been able to attack, had been able to wound her enemy almost as much as he had wounded her. Yet she had fought so well and brave and never given up. She was an Auror after all. But-

In the end, it hadn't been enough to keep her alive. Apparently...

Oh, how could she have been so stupid? Why ever hadn't she taken this more seriously? Why ever hadn't she been more careful about her defence? Why ever hadn't she _known_ that it would mean her death in the end?

But no…

She couldn't have known. In fact, nobody could have. On the contrary even, she had been so utterly convinced that she'd succeed in the end, simply had to, considering whom she had fought with. And yet, upon thinking back on that reckless belief, it seemed so childish all of a sudden, especially now that she had lost and the battle was over and her foe had won. And in retrospect, she was even a little surprised at her own naivety: How could she have underestimated her enemy so much?

From somewhere behind her, she thought she might've heard Moody, or rather one of his grumbles of disapproval about her lost battle, and she knew instantly that sooner or later she'd have to listen to another flow of his constant vigilance talks and how, once again, she hadn't paid enough attention and therefore… well, died. And worse even, the man would be right with it. Because she really should've been more vigilant, should've seen it come, should've _anticipated_ every move of her opponent and-

Oh…

But it didn't matter anymore now, did it?

The battle was done. She had lost. She was dead…

Strange.

It would've even amused her to some extent, the way she had lost, so pathetic and ridiculous, if it wasn't for the fact that she was so utterly dead this very moment which didn't feel that amusing at all. And yet she felt like laughing…

Damn.

It was all just too unreal. And as for the end, she couldn't remember much, except for the final hit – and complete darkness afterwards. It had engulfed her from head to toe, as if it had come out of nowhere, all of a sudden. Blood splattering, eyes dilating, blackening, moves stilling, slowly, and her limb body falling down to the floor. She had seen it all from the outside, witnessed every single moment of her demise as if she'd been a spectator, unable to interfere.

All the while she'd known that next to her Remus had been struggling the very same battle as her, attack after attack after attack. But as much as it had hurt her, she hadn't been able to help him, regardless of all consequences at that very moment. She had had to fight her own battle, fight for her own life, think of no one else but herself, even if it meant betraying loved ones in the process. Oh, if she had just paid more attention…

Shite.

And somewhere people had been cheering.

Somewhere Sirius had choked on his drink, gasped in surprised at the outcome of her battle.

But then-

Nothing.

Save death and darkness.

Game over.

…

Tonks stared. She stared straight ahead at the screen, unmoving. Next to her, Remus laid down his controller and looked at her, biting his lip. He cleared his throat.

"I… won… apparently. That's… er… What did you say this was again?"

Tonks winced slightly as she shook out of her stupor and turned to him, her mouth still wide open. She needed a moment to comprehend what had happened, but soon she recovered herself and met to glare at the man with a sudden intensity that he almost seemed frightened by her.

"A PlayStation, Remus!" she snapped at him, her voice shaking with anger and despair. "It's a bloody PlayStation and we're playing bloody Tekken and you bloody WON AGAIN!"

From somewhere behind her, Moody's grumble of disapproval and Sirius' roaring bark of laughter echoed through the house and drove her crazy.

* * *

**A/N:** Next on, I brought some bonus vignettes in that I wrote for pals of mine! ;D (Which will come as a surprise even for them as well, I reckon.) Enjoy reading...

_Bonus #1_ (Written for **Bookish Brownie**. I unfortunately couldn't decide which version to use, so I posted both and therefore it's on you to decide which one's better.)

10.1 Come Out And Play – Epilogue: Smells Like Teen Spirit

Mrs. Black glared at her opponents, her picture dripping with multicoloured paint all over.

She. Was. Furious.

No actually, she was outright fuming.

She wanted her wand.

She wanted the deadly curse - on them.

And, above all, she wanted _revenge_…

But even as she still thought about it, her opponents threw the paintball guns out of their hands, turned to one another – and started frantically snogging right in front of her picture.

Mrs. Black's mouth fell open.

"Oh, you've GOT to be KIDDING ME!"

XxXxXxXxX

10.2 Come Out And Play – Epilogue: With A Little Help From My Friends

As Sirius trotted down the stairs, he was greeted with three different, slightly surprising sights.

One, he didn't care about.

Another one got him laughing.

And the third, well…

As Sirius took the last step downstairs, he placed his hands in his pockets and examined the three interesting sights, smiling to himself.

An umbrella stand lay strewn about.

His mother's picture was dripping with multicoloured paint all over.

And his little cousin and his best friend were engulfed in a deep kiss, apparently oblivious to anything else.

Sirius shook his head slightly, catching his mother's eye in the process. It came as a surprise that she seemed quite calm, considering what had just happened to her.

"They paintballed me" she said, her almost whispered voice etched with a mixture of thorough anger and utter bewilderment. Sirius' smile widened into a grin.

"I know" he replied truthfully "Was my idea."

* * *

_Bonus #2_ (Written for **EllaQueenB**. Just one version. ;))

11. Question!

"My Lord?"

It was a cold, icy January evening as Lord Voldemort formerly known as Tom Marvolo Riddle sat in front of a warmth-spreading fire, his snake-like face illuminated by the flames, green eyes staring straight ahead and a hand absent-mindedly stroking the body of his most beloved pet, Nagini. He turned round slowly as he heard himself being addressed and was faced with a slightly anxious-looking Severus Snape who stood in the doorway, apparently waiting for a response.

"Yes?"

The high, cold voice of the Dark Lord filled the room even though he hadn't spoken loudly at all. As the man in the doorway stepped forward into the light of the fire, it was in that moment that Voldemort realised that he was holding something clenched firmly between his fingers, some sort of fabric with which he was fiddling ever so slightly every now and then, giving him the faintest air of nervousness. It seemed as if the man was searching for the right words for his enquiry and he cleared his throat before speaking.

"My Master, I wanted to express my profound thanks for this gift" he threw the fabric in his hand a brief glance "and let you know that I am deeply honoured to be regarded with a birthday present by my Lord."

A moment of silence followed as the man attempted a smile, showing more of a grimace for it was rather unusual on him to curve up the corners of his mouth at all. Voldemort, however, returned his thanks with a cold look.

"Of course. Did you think I would not care about my subjects?"

The hint of a self-reproach flickered across Snape's face before he bowed his head deeply in front of his master.

"That would be truly foolish to assume, my Lord."

"It would be, now, wouldn't it, Severus?"

"Yes, my Lord, and I would never-"

"Is there anything else, then?" Voldemort cut across the man's words, his voice now tinged with evident boredom and a litte bit of annoyance. Snape once again started fiddling with what he held in his hands, a flicker of doubt passing his face as he seemed to consider bringing up a particular topic yet couldn't quite decide if it was a good idea. However, he went on.

"My Lord, I never mean to question your highly appreciated opinion-"

"Then don't, Severus" came the immediate retort with a noticeable hint of a warning. A muscle in Snape's left eye seemed to twitch for a second as he cleared his throat once again and spoke with renewed determination.

"I truly don't, my Lord, I would never, but there is one question I have to ask and I'm afraid that I am in need of an answer."

Voldemort contemplated for some time, still absent-mindedly stroking the snake on his lap and eliciting a hiss from the dangerous animal every now and then. It wasn't until a minute or two had passed that he waved a hand at the man in front of him and gestured for him to go on.

"Thank you my Lord" Snape said, bowing down once more before he straightened again and continued. "Like I said, I am truly honoured with this present but there is one thing I don't quite understand."

"Which would be?"

Voldemort tilted his head just slightly to one side and stared at the man with his cold eyes. Snape swallowed.

"I was wondering, my Lord" he said in a somewhat constricted voice, and for the first time held the fabric in his hands out for his master to see "I was just wondering: Why pink underwear?" Snape turned the fabric around "With panda motifs?"

OoOoOoOoO

Before I start: Notice something? I didn't kill off Sirius! Miracles do happen, people...

Well then, how about reviews? (Better come straight to the point, right?) I'll give you all heaps hugs and delicious muffins if you present me with a lil comment! And to all those of you who even grant me some concrit, I'll be forever thankful and promise to try and heed any advise. Todays **review's bibe** (apart from much love and muffins) is gonna be a game of Tekken (or any other Beat 'Em Up game you prefer) with your fave character! Sirius throws punches all around, Mad-Eye gets everyone with his stick, Remus attacks from behind with a book on your head, Snape stares everyone down (-shudder-) and Tonks is kickass anyway (plus you'll never know what she looks like, so better turn around and watch that evil umbrella stand)! ;D Have FUN!

Okay, everyone who's sick of my rambling, better skip this now 'cause I'm gonna talk about the vignettes again (and it's gonna be sorta long as well). For everyone else, here goes:

Sirius_ B. Good_ (original, rockin' song is of course "Johnny B. Goode" by the famous **Chuck Berry**) was... mean. Sorry. I know, it was short and probably not that funny at all, but I had to establish Kidding Sirius. Seriously, I couldn't let him stay a Zombie, right? (No actually, Sirius came to me in LOD and begged me to make him alive again. Normally, I'm not that acquiescent but he showed me that puppy-eyes-look and... bugger, can never withstand that one. ;D) Can't believe though that Remus actually fainted... -cough-

Anyway, _Waterfalls_ (think it was a song by **TLC**) always gets me rolling on the floor just by picturing the scene. That's what comes out of Sirius reading books! Makes me wonder, however, why Remus agreed to this...? Well, I actually once considered (when I was little and unknowing) to empty a bucket of water over my sister after I read the book (she might turn out to be a witch after all, right?). I never did it, of course, or else I wouldn't be alive anymore. ;) So now, I reckon that Sirius and Remus will go off and follow the yellow brick road instead. Or shouldn't Tonks do that since she'd fit more into the role of Dorothy (Dora - Dorothy, even almost fits with the name)? If so, Remus needs to be the Scarecrow (since I always rather thought that the Scarecrow was dead sexy, though I can't exactly explain why) and Mad-Eye is the Lion (always afraid, always on "constant vigilance" ;D) and... hm, Tin Man could be Sirius then or maybe Severus (because that man sometimes really needs a heart)... It'd make a fun fic, don't you think?

Up next,_ Killing Me Softly_ (I prefer **The Fugees**' version, but everyone can decide for themselves) - That one was sorta disappointing. I had many different set ups in my head but they all somehow didn't work out - neither did the one I used in here, in my opinion. But anyway, it's still fun to imagine how Tonks would even lose against Remus when it comes to playing PlayStation (my inner 21st century child knocked on my head and said: "Chess was yesterday. What about the next generation?"). Well, I did actually look up if it'd work with the time line (yeah right, accuracy in ridiculous fics, now _that_'s ridiculous!) and it DID work out, the first PlayStation was released in '94 and the first Tekken in the same year. -sigh- Hm, it's been a while since I played Tekken the last time (or any game at all)... I was actually pretty good. And there was a character named Panda in there! (I do have a thing for pandas - and cacti. ;D) Well, well...

Er, the bonus chaps? All credit for them actually goes to the people I wrote it for, since I never would've written them without those wonderful fanfiction writers (and their inspiring me). Give me a lil shove into the right direction and I might write you a _funny_ as well. ;) Speaking of which...

_Smells Like Teen Spirit_ (**Nirvana**? Ring a bell?) or _With A Little Help From My Friends _(**Beatles**, of course, love the **Joe Cocker** version though) - This one sprung from one of **Bookish Brownies**' reviews. Look it up, I thought it was such a good idea! (And I was pouting that I didn't think of it first...) I do like the second version more, though, for I love Sirius playing matchmaker - and being mischievous on his mum. ;)

_Question!_ (song by **System of a Down**, but they have better ones) - Aw, I always knew Voldemort had a soft spot... _somewhere_. Or is he just humorous? Anyway, this one came to me after a conversation I had with **EllaQueenB** (-gives hugs-), and I know it's not exactly R/T but it just worked too well with Sev and Tom. And furthermore, this one made me look up Voldemorts name since I somehow couldn't remember if it was Tom _Vorlost_ Riddle or Tom_ Marvolo_ Riddle (though I suspected the latter). The first is actually the German name; it has been altered in almost every language to fit in with the second book (remember the whirling around with the letters thing?). Well, and when I looked it up, I discovered many other fun Voldmort names and you wouldn't believe it: In French, he's called Tom _Elvis_ Riddle - Gettit? Everyone thought Elvis was dead but only a few insisted that he was still alive. Turns out they were right... ;D And another thing: In Icelandic, he's actually named Trevor Delgome - OMG! Notice something? It's Neville's TOAD! All the time, Voldemort was in disguise as Neville's TOAD! If we'd just known earlier... (sneaky little amphibians). XD Anyway, just look up the names, some of them are really hilarious!

Oh dear...

Sorry for the long ramble, I just had so much to say. But thanks to everyone who actually made it through (- my, you must be persistent)! And before I say goodbye: Anyone saw the Chelsea-Liverpool game yesterday? OH, it was SO GOOD! And they were both playing so well, I was engrossed in the match till the last second! (And I wasn't even cheering for one side at all, it was just soo enthralling that I couldn't take my eyes away anymore. CHEERS for football! - Or soccer, that is...)

Well then, so long!

Let's all chase toad Voldemort through the lands (or look out for Elvis?); bye bye und tschüß


End file.
